Journal

Day 1 at work

Well, I’m having my tea break at work now. I don’t know if I mentioned before but they posted me at APC Distribution Centre now. The people here are pretty cool. Logisticians are a bunch of chillax people. We’re supposed to be extremely busy. I’m not doing any office work like they said I would. I’m doing warehouse work instead. But you gotta start from the bottom no? And I have to understand the whole process first so it’s ok. Hopefully cause I’m in ISCM, they’d put me in the office for awhile. But so far, my experience has been alright. :)) like!

Lalala

Well, had quite an eventful day. Went to geylang, painted the living room wall, had dinner at Ria then I watched KL Gangster. Honestly, I thought it was actually pretty good for a Malaysian movie. But then again, I’m a fan of syamsul’s movies. That might sound a little biased but really, he’s got some talent there. His movies improve bit by bit. But I’m totally disappointed by the ending of the movie! It’s so DISAPPOINTING. And I don’t know, did they run out of budget or something cause the movie was short too and it ended so abruptly. Wtf.

Anyhow, yesterday, I was showing my sister some videos about that gay male dance group. She had such a culture shock. Damn. Honestly, I think if I had a child, I’d rather he be bisexual than gay. Then he/ she would have the best of both. Isn’t that better than being gay? Cause for sapphic, you don’t really get to enjoy the real feel of sex. And for men, anal is just painful. X.X so being bisexual is better? No? Well I’m just saying.. :)

Stinky

I spoke to my baby just now and we were sharing the issues that singaporeans face against foreigners that come to singapore. We were discussing the ‘curry is smelly’ issue an I’m still so infuriated about it. It’s absolutely ridiculous and the people who say that must have gone completely bonkers. And borders in wheelocks has closed down. Well, it has gone bankrupt in the US now everything is online and virtual. Nobody enjoys the physical things anymore. There is no greater feeling that picking a book out and turning it’s pages and smelling the crisp paper. A book has a wonderful smell. I love bookstores. Now the world has gotten rid of bookstores, like the book Fahrenheit 451. No books will exist. What is the world coming to? Now where will I go in town to hang out? I only go to borders and now it’s closed. ;(( it’s like my good friend had passed away and I just met her a few days ago.

Anyway, my sister was showing me a video on the Graham norton show and Miley cyrus was in it. I think that I understand her a little more as an artiste now. Her new image is more like her old one. She’s just being herself and the last thing you’d want to do is to be someone else. And I can stand by that. It’s something I feel strongly about. It’s harder for her, not just because she’s an international artiste, but because she’s been perceived and locked into a certain character. And I think for her to break out of that mould or stereotype is brave. It’s like a gay man coming out of the closet. It takes guts to stand up for what you are and what you are about. :)) so, kudos to her.

It doesn’t matter

I think I’m a bad person. Positively evil. Perhaps I have a black heart and I’m not kind or sincere. Maybe that’s why my mother hates me. I’ve kept quiet all these years and I take whatever she throws at me; insults, accusations, beatings, prejudice, lashings, blames.

She takes out her anger and frustrations at me. And I never say a word. And I’m not exaggerating. I really do never. Even if I was innocent and whatever she was accusing or scolding me was for nothing, unfair or not even true, I just take everything and I accept whatever punishment she gives me. Even if it were a major beating and I didn’t deserve it. I let her think what she wants of me. A liar, unworthy, a bad child, heartless, thief, whatever. In her eyes, I’m never right. I never forget the incidents.

And I always wonder, whether she hates me. And whether she wishes I was different. I’ve grown up thinking she would be happier with another child. Anyone but me. Twice, she had said that she didn’t want me living under the same roof as her and she wanted to kick me out. On Numerous occasions, she wished she didn’t ever have to see my face. She beat me almost every single day during the SARS incident for almost two years. She doesn’t have faith in me and doesn’t think I can make it far in life. She hardly says anything good or nice to me.

We don’t have that relationship or bond. I’ve grown distant. Should I be blamed fully? If so, I’d take it. I’m used to it. Been doing it all my life. I’ve grown up knowing the only familiar thing about my mother was her beatings. She’s caused me a lot of heartache and pain; physically, emotionally and psychologically.

But I guess she’s always right huh? As always. What’s new? To her, my thoughts don’t matter. My opinions or what I say don’t either. Whether I’m hurting, it doesn’t matter. I am always oppressed. Who am I anyway?

Yeah. I’m a bad person. She always made THAT clear. And I won’t ever succeed or be a someone. She made THAT clear too. ;((

Say a little prayer

I just finished praying. And I asked for a lot of things. I hope they will be answered and granted. In any case, I wish for the best to happen. It’s the holy month now. Magical. *******

WHAT NOW. NOW WHAT

Weeeell.. Hi? :/ Hmm.. Should I be saying hello to myself? o.O

I’m supposed to be doing my notes for Port and Terminal Management. But I’m taking a little break and thought I’d check out my tumblr account. I deleted the old one. Just thought that it needed a new fresh breath of life and I’m so over the past. So, I created a new one. Hopefully, I’ll be able to sustain this one and I’ll be able to write my everflowing thoughts and opinions and whathaveyou in here. My mind is getting cramped and messy. Since I’m now 20, I think its good that I write things down so I can note the transitions and experience I’m going through and such. Work through my thoughts and feelings. Should be good for me psychologically no? I don’t talk much and life’s pretty mundane but I think a lot. I can’t keep everything inside my head or I’ll go crazy one day.

So, here I am. Here’s a start. I’m going for my attachment soon at APC Distributors and its apparently a subsidiary group of Luxasia. So much for multinational company. Hmm… I guess (to make myself feel better) you gotta start small right? *faking optimism* :D Blah! And its behind my house. I’d save a lot on transportation? BLAH!

So, I was wondering, what should I do with all the money that I most probably have to give to my mom to keep? -.-” ;(( After approximately 6 months of working, I should have quite a little nest no? Assuming that she gives me back the money at the end of my internship, should I: *ding ding*

a) go shopping and ‘build up my wardrobe’ for work and leisure? A girl has to have staple pieces and basics right? She MUST have her basics. I hardly have basics and my wardrobe is old and a contradictory mess. (Should I start selling my old clothes on ebay? :) )

b) go on a little holiday? Let my hair down. Have some personal timeout and retreat or have a hangover moment or both? I could go somewhere alone or with my friends. What’s the harm? :)

c) Put my money in a fixed deposit and let it grow and not touch it EVER till ten years have passed? This would be a very wise choice. I’d be securing my future already. Thats always good right? You can’t screw up your twenties you know. Its crucial. You either make it or break it. And anyway, money can always be earned. I shouldn’t worry about shopping. Riiigggghhhtt……? ;( Thing is, I just can’t wait to shop. :)